You used to be normal. Now you own toe socks and talk about cadence at parties.
No one means to become a running wanker. It’s a gradual descent. One minute you’re buying your first pair of trainers, and next thing you know, you’re explaining fuelling strategies to a stranger in Tesco.
You don’t even see it happening. But others do. They definitely do.
So here’s a handy checklist. If you recognise two or more of these behaviours, we’re sorry, but it’s already too late.
1. You Say “Easy Run” Like It’s a Real Thing
Normal people run and feel tired. You now talk about “easy pace” like you’re describing a state of meditation.
- “It’s just an easy 10K tomorrow.”
- “That was my recovery pace.”
- “It’s all zone 2, you know?”
You now pretend to run slower on purpose, which is only ever convincing to other people who’ve also lost their grip on reality.
Extra points if you’ve ever said the words “deload week” without irony.
2. You’ve Discussed Cadence. In Public.
This one hurts, because it feels so innocent.
Someone asks how your training’s going. You start talking about cadence. Not just mentioning it, explaining it. Foot strikes. Arm carriage. The optimal steps per minute. You might even reference Eliud Kipchoge.
The person you’re talking to is nodding politely, but you’ve lost them. They were just asking how your knees were.
You have become the person you once swore to mock.
3. You Own At Least One Item of Utterly Unnecessary Running Gear
You can’t pinpoint when it happened, but you now have:
- Toe socks
- A hydration vest for “short trail jogs”
- Anti-chafe balm
- A shoe dryer
- Sunglasses specifically designed to grip your sweaty face at 4:45/km
You used to own one pair of runners. Now you rotate them “to protect the foam.”
You once judged cyclists for being gear heavy. Now you’re in a €60 base layer to run laps of the local park.
4. You Treat Your Garmin Like It’s a Legal Document
If a run isn’t on Strava, did it even happen?
You’ve paused mid run to restart your watch after a GPS glitch. You’ve run up and down your street to make it exactly 10.00 km. You’ve deleted sessions that looked too slow.
Worse still, you’ve zoomed in on the pace graph to analyse why kilometre 7 dipped.
You now talk about “data” when referring to… your own jogging.
5. You Casually Mention Races Like They’re Holidays
Remember when you used to travel for fun? To relax?
Now you’re flying to Berlin to chase a sub 3. Or you’re planning your honeymoon around the Valencia Half. You’ve said things like:
- “Flights were cheap and it’s a flat course.”
- “It’s just a little race I signed up for in Malaga.”
- “I’m doing Paris for the vibe. And the splits.”
Your suitcase is mostly gels, compression socks, and deep denial.
Final Word
Becoming a running wanker is a bit like joining a cult, you don’t realise it’s happened until all your friends start slowly backing away.
But honestly? We say embrace it. At least your weird obsession keeps you fit, slightly smug, and emotionally stable-ish.
And hey, if anyone gets funny with you, just say “it’s all about the cadence.” That usually shuts them up.
