You’ve just crossed the finish line. You’re leaking from every pore. Your legs are shaking. Your mouth is dry. Your soul has left the building. All you want is water, a banana, and possibly medical attention.
But instead…someone tries to talk to you.
Welcome to the most painful part of race day: post race small talk, where well meaning runners gather to compare trauma using phrases no emotionally stable person should be uttering at that moment.
Here are the key offenders, and why they're somehow worse than the final hill.
1. “What time did you get?”
Ah yes, the classic.
It’s not meant to be a challenge. It’s just curiosity. But in that moment, sweat clinging to your eyebrows, heart still pounding, it feels like a demand for receipts.
If you did well, you feel smug but guilty.
If you didn’t, you mumble something vague like “around what I was aiming for”, knowing full well you were aiming for not vomiting in public.
Bonus points if they answer first and say something like “oh, just a little 43:12, wasn’t really trying.” Right. Of course you weren’t.
2. “How was your pacing?”
How was my what?
You spent the second half of the race bargaining with the universe and dry heaving behind a water station. Pacing was abandoned at kilometre three along with your dignity.
And yet here they are, asking if you even split. You nod. Lie. Pretend you know what happened. Inside, you’re still emotionally stuck at that uphill kilometre where you briefly considered lying down in the grass.
3. “Did you negative split?”
No. Obviously not.
Negative splitting requires strategy, restraint, and some vague idea of your own fitness level. You went out too hard, blew up at halfway, and spent the final stretch blinking through pain.
But instead of admitting that, you smile and say, “nah, just kept it steady.” A lie told through clenched hamstrings and dead eyes.
4. “What was your average pace?”
This is the post race equivalent of asking someone their Leaving Cert points.
You either know your average pace down to the decimal, or you’re pretending your watch died. There is no in between.
If they ask this before you’ve caught your breath? Jail.
5. “Did you enjoy it?”
No.
Next question.
6. The Person Who’s Still Buzzing and Won’t Stop Talking
You know the type.
They finished 20 minutes ago. They’re bouncing around like a Labrador on Red Bull.
- “That was amazing!”
- “Did you see the guy with the pram?”
- “Mile 4, iconic!”
Meanwhile, you’re trying not to vomit on your shoes. You nod along, pretending to be human while wondering if this is what a stroke feels like.
7. The Aggressive Compliment
“Fair play to you, I saw you near the end, you looked like you were really struggling.”
Cheers. Lovely. Would you like to comment on my sweaty face or wheezy breathing while you’re at it?
Runners don’t mean to be cruel. But sometimes their idea of praise feels like a backhanded slap wrapped in well meaning trauma.
Final Word
Post race small talk isn’t evil, it’s just badly timed. No one wants to dissect their splits when their thighs are shaking and they’ve just inhaled a banana without chewing.
So here’s a suggestion: next time you finish a race, just look your friend in the eye and say, “We survived.” That’s enough.
Then go sit down quietly and try not to cry.
